


Multiverse Martyr

by EtoileVoidGalaxia



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied Relationships, Optimus is only leaderlike to hide his fear, Optimus needs some care, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Otpimus Dying, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Resets, Soft Optimus, Suicide, This is just a whole lot of suffering, Timelines, Transformers AU, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27600782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoileVoidGalaxia/pseuds/EtoileVoidGalaxia
Summary: Otpimus is known for dying in order to save others. He is always risking his life not only to save his friends and family, but even to save an entirely alien planet. How many times has he died? Well, we only really know of a few don't we? The matrix has more power than was originally acknowledged. Optimus has died many more times than he could count, and the matrix just keeps bringing him back- all the way back to when he first became a prime.But he's fine with that. It doesn't bother him at all.Not until, one day, he doesn't go back to the beginning.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 46





	1. The End Of A World

The world around him was amazing. Every choice he made so far, every sacrifice was always worth it to protect all those that he loved. That he cared for. He’d do it all again, he always did. Next time, this battle won’t be as pretty, but while Megatron would have ample time to plan, Optimus could prepare for an entire lifetime. Prepare for what, he’d figure that out as he went along, but he’d figure it out none the less. For now, all he wanted to do was watch the world that he was going to lose. Watch it fall away, and know that eventually he would see them all again. Although they could be severely hurt in battle, it was still nice to see the children knowing he would be thrown back into a battle more severe. 

He took a moment, while energon pooled around him to look at the beautiful earth scenery. Perhaps he could take a timeline to explore the wonders of earth that the children spoke so fondly of. Ratchet was at his side in moments. Fretting over his wounds while the others provided cover. The human children ran over as well, frightened for Optimus’ sake although they should be more concerned with their own lives. Ratchet was yelling something above him. Something angry no doubt, perhaps he was yelling at him to “Keep living! You must keep living Optimus! We cannot make it without you!” Just as he did many times before when he died. 

It was sad knowing that this was the end of this timeline, and that in a moment, he would be back in the battlefield, with bots he could never save falling at his sides. All the way back at the beginning. When he was first given the accursed matrix. 

It could drive any bot mad. A curse in the disguise of an ultimate reward. Nonetheless, Optimus would take this opportunity wholeheartedly, as he always did. This time he could save Cliffjumper, he could save Tailgate. He could save so many more bots with the knowledge he had acquired. 

In a moment, Optimus would be on earth no more. He would return to Cybertron in the throws of war where all Primes were made. Amidst the madness of death and agony.

He would ‘reset’ to the very beginning.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Except…. He didn't.

Optimus relished in the deaths that he received. As if floating in darkness, for a moment he would not have to worry about the hardships of war, and who of his allies would die next. In that momentary rest after death and before the reset, Optimus would take the time to calmly smile, recalling all of his close allies and friends, and all the good times they shared, even though they would not remember. Some would not feel the same now that he saw them coming, but they were wonderful moments nonetheless.

Once in a timeline, the children showed Optimus an incredibly silly video of a dancing monkey. Some animated creation that a human had cleverly created. Optimus laughed earnestly, surprising the entire team into silence. Embarrassed over the entire ordeal, Optimus didn’t dare repeat the event artfully dodging the topic of a dancing monkey lest he spit out his energon again. 

That was the exact thought in his mind when the weight returned to his body. When pain burst through his circuits that made him want to scream. The tell tale sign that he was once again, unfortunately, alive. Strangely enough though, this was not the familiar, agonizing pain of having his frame rearranged that he often returned to life with, but more like the pain of one of the lighter, more recent battles that Optimus experienced in his time here on earth. Painful, but milder compared to the end or usual beginning. The noise was not there either. No screams of death or agony of the battle that waged around him but instead, lighthearted chatter. Whispers compared to the thunder that haunted his nightmares. 

Onlining his optics, Optimus attempted to adjust his vision to see Ratchet, looming above him, in his usual concerned ways. Only Ratchet wasn’t there at the very beginning. The quickest he’s been at finding ratchet was still a few days at least. He’s never woken up to Ratchet before. His mind still going in loops, Optimus didn’t even process what his old friend was saying at the moment.

“Optimus!” the sudden bark snapped him out of his reverie, forcing him to turn and see who was calling him. “Optimus you’re okay!”

It was as if his spark froze in his chassis. Instead of the battlefields of Cybertron, facing off the early Decepticon army, Optimus was on Earth, at their missile silo base, getting yelled at by the tiny humans Miko, and Raf. If he had to guess, he probably looked as scared as Jack was. 

Only, why was he scared? This didn’t happen last time. 

So many answers, yet his voice box just didn’t want to comply with him for a few moments. For the best perhaps, as he forced himself to regain composure. He could worry later. When he was  _ alone _ and couldn’t trouble the others with his worries or problems. He silenced the voices, bottling them up as he usually did, and turned to Ratchet with the calmest face he could muster. 

“Ratchet, what happened?” The medic smiled, a stark contradiction to the usual scolding he would receive whenever he got injured.

“You were kidnapped by the Decepticons Optimus. After you defeated Unicron, you lost your memory. We managed to get you back thanks to Jack, but you went into stasis after our battle with Megatron.” His grin faltered and suddenly, he was back to his usual worried expression. Before he could speak however, Jack beat him to the punch. 

“Optimus, do you mind if we speak.” The bots glanced at each other, before Jack specified, “alone. Can I talk to you alone Optimus.”

  
  
“Jack, Optimus is in no condition to be moving around, he should rest!” Despite his statement, Optimus rose from the berth, placing a servo on Ratchet’s shoulder in the familiar way he always did. 

“I am alright, old friend.” He assured, although if ratchet could tell that the room looked incredibly fuzzy, he would likely insist. “Jack.” he nodded to the teen even if it made his helm feel heavier than it did before.

Offering his servo for transport Optimus walked away from the crowd. He walked to the same spot he gave Jack the key, and took his time setting him down. He had to recall as many topics as he could before the reset, although he could hopefully blame the memory loss should he come up short in any field.

What could Jack wish to talk about? The key perhaps? That was likely. He took the burden surprisingly well, as Optimus knew he would. Although ratchet mentioned Jack being a lot like Optimus, that was not the determining remark that led to the decision. He’s known Jack, Miko, and Raf for much longer than he let on. In many timelines he’s grown close enough to them that they would call him a friend or “bro” easily. It got them killed once. Captured, tortured and killed, because they knew too much. Because of him. Suddenly Optimus wanted to… vomit was the human term used, right? His intake spasmed at the thought. The memory of their deaths so fresh in his mind from that damned reset, and without the carefully choreographed fights to take his mind off the whole ordeal. He forced his mind back into the present, bottling up his feelings all over again. 

He realized he had stopped lowering Jack at a height too high for him to jump. Optimus offered an uneasy smile, but Jack didn’t catch it, lost in thought with whatever was plaguing his mind. Worse than his own inattention, it seemed, as even when Optimus rested his hand upon the ground, Jack didn’t stir. Optimus mimicked the sound of a cough to rouse Jack from his thoughts as he had seen the humans do in instances like this, and he could see Ratchet’s helm swivel around to glare at him from the corner of his eye.

Jack still didn’t seem to realize the silent request for him to get off his servo, instead turning slowly to Optimus. He looked pale with wide horror struck eyes and he trembled slightly in his servo. In the tiniest voice, he muttered something incomprehensible. Optimus was just about to ask. What he said, perhaps, or why he was scared. He couldn’t be sure, as he forgot it all in a moment.

“Optimus. I saw you die.”


	2. First Time in a Thousand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Optimus reveals the truth. Optimus tells someone his problems.
> 
> For the first time in a thousand he realizes he's lonely.

He was shaking when he spoke, his hands clutching at his sleeves and creating temporary dents in his flesh. If Optimus ever did that, Ratchet may have his helm. It was an act of anxiety or stress, one that he was admittedly very familiar with. From what he’s seen before, grabbing at oneself was painful if at least a little. The children had pinched themselves before, yelping, but otherwise unharmed. That was a small amount of their skin and it already caused pain, but Jack was clawing at a handful of his own flesh, distracting himself from the fear that he still showed his eyes. It was a welcome distraction from the hollow silence that Optimus could have spent thinking over what he had just said. 

He didn’t want to think about his death, much less talk about it. He never talked about it to anyone before. He wouldn’t dare. He shouldn’t be able to anyways. No one should have remembered that death, no one should have remembered anything. He just shouldn’t be here. Everything was wrong, everything was so wrong and messed up and falling to shambles around his feet. 

But it’s been that way since he first got the Matrix hasn’t it?

“I swear I saw you die Optimus.” Jack repeated, still looking away, and still clawing at his sleeves. “Megatron stabbed you right through the chest. There was a hole. A big gaping hole in your chest because he twisted his sword and--” Jack was panicking now. He held his head, his fingers clutching at and ruffling his hair. He was having a breakdown as his emotions spilled forth, crashing whatever thin wall he had made to keep calm before the others. It was envious. That release of emotion he knew that he could never perform unless alone-- “oh god, Optimus what happened? You fell! You were dead! What happened? Why are we back here?!”

“I…” He paused the uncertainty in his voice jarring for even himself. “I don’t know Jack. I don’t know. I’m sorry Jack, but I don't know.”

“But you know what I’m talking about right?”

Could he lie about this? No, if he wanted to say he didn’t know what Jack was talking about-- if he wanted to lie, he should have done so before. He should come clean, try to talk to Jack about the entire ordeal, figure out a way to fix the problem. That would make the most sense, but his hands twitched. He wanted to tear out his spark. The timeline was already messed up. He could just try again. Rip out his spark and try again. There was a fluke. If he killed himself now, Jack wouldn’t remember. If he killed himself…   
  
Jack stared up at Optimus. Eyes wide and scared. For the first time since he’s come here, Jack looked terrified. Despite all that happened. In fairness, it was the first time Jack saw one of them actually die. Did he want to risk having Jack witness that again?

  
  
“Jack, I… I don’t know how you remember what happened last, but, I must confess something to you.” 

Optimus braced himself for the truth he was about to and was going to be forced to spill. Aeons, recorded both in and out of time, of secrets and he was about to spill all of them at the feet of a child. As much as the team may think otherwise, Optimus was terrible at these snap decisions. One of many reasons he avoided parties like the plague. Every time he was forced into one, he was told to make a speech, one he never prepared for because they never bothered to warn him about it beforehand. On top of that lots of the casual conversations they made in these parties were outside his expertise. Aeons of war and all the data pads of Iacon could never prepare him to talk about the popular competition games that apparently “everyone watched.” An inaccurate statement as he did not know what the frag that game was. 

Not knowing things made him  **terrified** . Every time there was a decision that he didn’t know, someone would end up dead because of him. Someone would end up hurt. It wasn’t as bad a feeling as it was when he started out his life as a prime, the knowledge that he could simply reset, kept the fears at bay-- but Jack would remember. Jack would remember and he could not make a complete reset. He couldn’t start things from scratch. He couldn’t decide to never ever let Jack touch that key. He couldn’t save Cliffjumper. He couldn’t save-- Nope, he did not need that train of thought at the moment did he? Regretting the past would waste more time he could spend anticipating the future. A future that included someone new in his loop, and a future that could possibly traumatize--

  
  
“OPTIMUS!” 

Shocked out of his stupor, Optimus reeled nearly dropping Jack to the floor then nearly crushing him as he scrambled to keep from dropping him. He looked around himself first ensuring that the one who called him was not another bot. The last thing he needed was Arcee or Ratchet hearing of his ability. Yet they were still where they were before, only now, they stared at him from the racket. 

  
Jack stared up at him again. Surprised but no longer looking traumatized as he did before. After a moment, Optimus recognized the voice as Jack’s and let a slight vent out in relief. Jack on the other hand was beginning to look frustrated.

“Yes Jack?” Optimus asked, snapping back into his leaderly voice, consisting of an almost monotone pitch and short sentences. A voice developed to hide the fear at all costs.

Jack furrowed his brows frustration taking over his fear faster with each passing minute. “Don’t ‘yes jack’ me. What were you going to tell me?” He was pushing now. Demanding answers because Optimus told him that they existed. He should have lied “Optimus!” he yelled again, although not as loud, it still caused him to flinch, and it caused that perfectly immaculate shield that hid all his secrets to crack.

The truth spilled forth like water in a dam. 

“It- It’s the Matrix. When I got the matrix during the war it not only reorganized my frame but it kept me from dying too. What did you think? Some puny archivist would be able to become a war leader overnight? I died so many times in the initial war that I learned. It was the only damn thing I could do.” Words tumbled from his mouth at such a speed that Optimus had to forgo shutting himself up to focus on keeping himself quiet. In the process words slipped forth that he hadn’t used in centuries. Bad language that he tried to avoid as the Autobot symbol of hope. 

“I died and died and died, every time trying to do the same thing, trying to stop the war and trying to stop Megatron. I died so many times but I never got tired of it, just more clever about it. It must have been thousands of times that I’ve died before I finally had to admit that I had to fight him. I had to fight him to save the others to save Ratchet, Ultra Magnus, Bumblebee--” It suddenly became apparent that Jack would not know all these people who he listed. Of course he wouldn’t, this speech was practiced-- it was impossible for it to go so smoothly otherwise-- but not for him.

Who was it for then?  


“I had to protect my friends and while I was okay with dying from my own foolishness, seeing others die forced my hand. I had to do something. I had to stop him even if it meant fighting him. However, I spent thousands of timelines learning to speak with him, I had to spend a thousand more learning to fight him. Learning to fight my friends who took the other side. Sometimes I even had to fight Ratchet.” Ratchet. Was this speech for him? Did he want to confess all these secrets that he hid from his friend for so long?

“With every death I had to learn how to be colder, how to become the leader that the world-- and now the universe-- needed. I became more calculating as I had more experience to apply to new situations, and sometimes-- oftentimes, I knew what I needed to do because I lived through it before, moment by moment. I know thousands of interactions with Megatron, I know how every single one of them ends.” Could this have been for him? Megatron? The reason this war started, his old friend? He could never tell whether to curse him or think fondly of him. Megatron was once kind, he was once so sweetly considerate of his interests and the fate of all those around him. Even during the war, he’s seen Megatron break down and cry as they fought. He saw Megatron scramble to do what he thought would save the planet, he saw horror on Megatron’s face when he stabbed a hole through his spark. Megatron, however, also started this war. He led him to obtaining the matrix. He led him down into this well of suffering. He killed so many of his friends. So many of _their_ friends.

“I know what you may think, why didn’t I save Cliffjumper? Tailgate? Elita?” Again, names he wouldn’t know. “Believe me I tried. I tried so many times, and I still haven’t given up. I thought that if I kept going I would find a way to save them. But now-- Now--! There’s something wrong! I can’t reset! I was going to save Cliffjumper-- I was going to-- I swear I was going to--” lubricant dribbles from his optics, and before he even realizes he’s doing it, he turns away. “Don’t let Ratchet know. Arcee, Bulkhead, Bee... Don't let them know.” He mutters. He rubs at his Optics with his free hand, but they keep falling. Dribbling down his face plate after every swipe  


Humans have a wide variety of odd quirks about them. Many of which are brought about their culture and the people and things they interact with. It’s one of many reasons why Optimus found them so fascinating. So interesting to see and interact with and most certainly worth saving. Earlier-- ah well before he died, Miko was just going on about the concept of memes and just how funny they were, they even got Ratchet and Arcee laughing at one point. Even now, human culture shone like a star. Here was a race that won dominance in it’s primitive planet by sharing, communicating and empathizing.

“Optimus, I'm sorry. You must have been lonely.”

Ah, so it was loneliness.

That speech had no target. It was only made in that mad scramble to be heard. To no longer be alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to the Prime Time Hours Discord for encouraging me to write this au! You guys are awesome! 
> 
> Also, I realize I am most certainly in trouble as I am taking on more and more long projects. Whelp, just like Optimus I'm always willing to shoulder a burden. I hope to see you again soon!
> 
> Also if you can plz do comment. I wanna know what you think and comments give me the dopamine & serotonin that I need to continue writing this fic.


	3. The Clouds Clear After A Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humans are known well for their empathy. Jack lives up to that idea.

He was in the hand of a literal titan—the ever cold and serious leader of the Autobots. A leader who endured literal lifetimes of a war that likely lasted longer than his planet existed. He was even regarded as a god amidst his own race, if what Arcee said was true. He was someone so different, someone so inhuman. Yet, for the first time, looking at him, he couldn’t see a Prime.

For the first time, he saw Optimus—he saw Orion Pax.

He didn’t turn into Optimus because of the matrix. He didn’t grow into Optimus because of the war. Optimus is simply the broken and aged version of that Cybertronian librarian, hiding away under layers of cold formality and leader-like charisma. Arcee could never have been more wrong, but just how many terrible outcomes did he see to be so avoidant of celebrating? 

Speaking of Arcee, Jack caught a glimpse of the others. Milling around, feigning tasks and deliberately walking by, as they tried to see what was going on. If his breakdown was anything like a human one, Optimus needed to get out. Now. Too many eyes would probably make things worse, whether that be more tears, or avoidant silence, it would still cause problems. Jack returned his attention to Optimus, momentarily relieved that he had taken some obligations to turn away from the team in order to hide the tears streaming down his face. 

“Optimus, hey.” He’s seen his mom handle patients having a breakdown— kids throwing a panic induced tantrum, to adults frozen with fear— and he does his best to mimic the way she speaks to them. “Hey, do… do you want to go outside? Let’s go outside.” 

Like a child, Optimus made a sound akin to a sniffle, as he swiped away the tears with his other hand. He was shaking. Giant earthquakes of tremors racking his body that forced Jack to hold his fingers as he was slowly lowered onto the ground. Optimus shuffled a few paces back giving himself ample space so as not to crush Jack in his transformation, and promptly opened up his cab door as soon as he finished. Jack lept in barely managing to secure his seatbelt before Optimus began to drive away passing the team without slowing. They drive right in front of Arcee who stares at them with wide Optics. From his station, Ratchet and the children do the same, and Jack scrambles for an excuse.

“We’re going on patrol!” he hollers out the window, just barely before Optimus turns the corner, and enough time to see Arcee open her mouth and raise an arm, about to say something. 

Behind them, the base door shuts before she can even begin.

* * *

Despite calling the trip ‘patrol’ Optimus takes a route Jack has never seen before on any patrol he’s taken with Arcee. They travel off road, the rocks and bumps serving as no problem as Optimus continues on the fast pace. Not as fast as if he were being chased by ‘cons but fast enough. If he had to compare it to a human reaction, Optimus was most certainly running. Looking for a place to hide away from prying eyes. They eventually made some distance from base and although they both knew Ratchet could probably see their location, it was a good enough distance to have at least some space between them and the team. As soon as he comes to a halt, Jack leaves the cab, stepping away to give Optimus space to transform. They’re miles away from any roads and hiding within a large cavern, a place where they won’t have to worry about other humans. 

Jack takes a moment, recalling what he’s learned from his mom in helping people through their panic attacks. It was important that he asked what Optimus needed, but that would probably come later. First—

His train of thought is interrupted by a sudden movement from Optimus a tremble making his armour shake. Turning to look at him, Jack feels a wave of fear wash over him

Optimus, the ever sturdy leader, who always knew what to do, who cared for the team from the bottom of his heart— er, spark, swiped hands, balled into trembling fists trying to wipe away the never-ending torrent of tears. He must have been crying even as they drove here. Jack has been tasked with helping Optimus before, with restoring him from Orion pax to his usual self. That one single task was a feat in and of itself. This seemed near impossible. 

Jack could feel the tremors of anxiety creep into his mind. He was shaking. He wanted to cry—just like Optimus—but Optimus didn’t need to be burdened with his feelings. He was human, and while he couldn’t help in any battles with the Decepticons, he could at the very least be there for their leader when he needed help. With tears threatening his vision, he forced a smile onto his face and schooled his expression from fear into the most empathetic one he could muster. 

“Hey, Optimus.”

He looked down at him. Eyes wide and almost innocent further highlighted from the water— was it water?— clear fluids that had yet to fall. He looked like Orion did, asking Jack if he was worthy. The thought made his smile just a little more real, if only for a moment. He rested a hand on Optimus’ wrist, the most of his arm that he could reach.

“Optimus, it’s okay.” he rubs his hand in a circle, the same way his mother did on his back when he had his breakdowns. “You can cry here, I won’t tell anyone. You can let it all out.”

Jack feels his stomach turn at the sheer surprise in Optimus’ optics. He doesn’t even need to say it. It reads on his face clear as day. 

“No one has ever told me that.” 

He doesn’t say it in the end, for the tears build up, and the first thing from his mouth is a choked sob. The next thing that comes out haunts him. It makes ice run through his veins but he forces the soft smile to remain.

“I’m sorry.”

If it were him, he would probably say the same thing and that fact makes the smile on his face twitch a moment before it falls. He  _ shouldn’t _ be sorry. If anything, it’s his fault for bringing up the topic. For demanding answers without considering Optimus’ feelings. This time he wouldn’t make that mistake. If he said it was his fault, Optimus might clam up all over again. 

Instead, Jack said, “It’s fine, it’s okay.” He repeated it softly like a mantra, ignoring how Optimus’ frame shuddered and how the sounds coming from his mouth, however much metallic, sounded so agonizing. Like he was dying—

Again, and again and again.  


* * *

By the time the tremors subsided, and whatever equivalent to breathing Optimus had (Raf and Miko would chastise him for forgetting) the world outside had already fallen into a calming and warm darkness. As if the world calmed down with Optimus. Jack had stopped mumbling his mantra once the tears and cries softened, leaving them in a pleasant silence, filled by the soft sounds of the Nevada desert at night. 

“You good now Optimus?” Jack asked patting his hand that still rested against his armor. 

“Yes…” His answer was soft, perhaps the equivalent to answering with a raspy voice after screaming a lot. “I apologize—” 

“Don’t,” Jack interrupted, “It’s… it’s fine. You always help the others when they have problems. You listen to Arcee scream and sob about Cliffjumper and you help us humans deal with our problems. Think of it as paying you back for your help.” He patted the metal once more, before he slowly lowered his arm, and turned to face Optimus. “So… Do you want to talk about it— uh, no pressure if you don’t want to, but with humans, sometimes talking to one another about problems like these can be... helpful.”

“You’ve told me about that before. I believe you were taught by your mother about the topic.” 

He’s smiling now, and Jack can’t help but stare. He’s just seen Optimus have a nervous breakdown, and it’s the smile that catches him off guard, or rather, the fact that he was the one who made him smile. He takes a moment to process this before he realises what Optimus had just said. 

“Before? I don’t recall…” wait no, of course he wouldn’t, “in another timeline, right?”

Optimus nods in reply. “I know I must seem cold to you, but I did once befriend you just as your charges did in one of the earlier timelines.” He stared off into the distance recalling moments that Jack could never remember. 

“Wait, so the video…”

Optimus laughed. “Yes, the ‘take me to your feeder’ animation you used. You showed me that and I couldn’t stop laughing. Once upon a timeline, I believe it was a monkey.”

“Oh yeah, Raf uses that one too sometimes. I guess you don’t need to hear a joke again if you already know the punchline.”

“That wasn’t the problem.” he chuckled again, shaking his helm. “No, the problem was that I laughed far too hard at the video and took all of you by surprise. No one would stop talking about it after that— especially Miko. If I’m being honest, it was rather embarrassing.”

Optimus.  _ Embarrassed. _ It shouldn’t be so surprising there were bound to be moments when he was a little embarrassed, but for someone like optimus it would have been… Nope he couldn’t even think of one in a best case scenario. It was reasonable to have happened, but he still couldn’t draw up an image. 

“What about the ‘primes don’t party’ ordeal? What started that one?” 

“Ah, well, I was never really one to ‘party’ to begin with. Even before the Matrix I usually sat in a corner with a few data pads when a celebration was inescapable.” 

Jack burst out laughing this time shaking his head. “Mood, honestly. Ah, last time I tried to dance I made a complete fool of myself. I was actually trying to dodge the school dance when you guys showed up. I don’t think I’ve thanked you for that yet.”

Optimus raised an… optical ridge—if Jack remembered correctly—but kept smiling. That kind but confused face you make when your friend tells you something wildly contradicting what you had believed of them.

“I thought you enjoyed such a thing, considering your active participation in Miko’s impromptu parties.” 

He rolled his eyes smirking as he shook his head. “Were you even there when Miko  _ starts _ those parties?” Now that he looked back, Optimus had, on various occasions slipped away from the “celebrations” with some strange excuses. “Miko bullies everyone into joining.”

Optimus’ face falls, turning back into leaderly contemplation. “Bullies? I may need to have a word with her then…”   
  


“Ah— wait no, that’s not—” 

Optimus smirks. “I jest, I understand what you mean.”

He chuckles as Jack balks. First he breaks down, then he laughs, and now he’s telling jokes. Jack can’t help the almost maniacal laughter that bursts from him and before long, he’s toppled onto his side, squeezing his chest to try and alleviate the pain. Optimus’ well meaning concern only seems to make it worse.    
  
“Jack? Are you alright?” 

“Oh, come on you know—” he cuts himself off a small dribble of water landing on his lap— “you know… what laughter is….” His tears fall in big heavy drops, running rivers down his cheeks, but he forces the smile to stay on his face despite it all.

“I’m sorry.” 

They paused glancing to one another from the shared line. Jack bit back the urge to say, “jinx! You owe me a soda,” knowing Optimus wouldn’t get it. Instead, he succumbed to doubling over in laughter, which Optimus replied to with confusion. 

“You have nothing to be sorry about Optimus,” Jack said, wiping away tears, his smile finally crumbling away. 

“I burdened you with my… panic. You have every right to be afraid, yet instead of helping you I ended up burdening you with my problems,” Optimus replied. His voice returned to that cold leaderly tone he always used around the others. Already, Jack began to miss the warmth from before. “That is what I am apologizing for.”

“It’s my fault for asking anyways, besides, I did the same thing didn’t I? Try to help, only to end up crying.” 

Optimus frowned, his brow furrowing in frustration. He looked away, optics moving to stare out into the horizon, soon followed by his helm, and then the rest of his body. Jack followed suit, and they watched the dark horizon for a few more minutes. The sky was still a bright blue hue. Although the sun had gone down, the light had yet to fade from the horizon, and left the sky in a vivid royal blue. If they were in a city. They may have had the time to watch lights on the towering buildings light up before them, but Jasper was too small a town to look at for lights on the ground, and it was far behind them at the moment too. The stars themselves would probably take a while longer before they appeared as well, and hopefully they would get back to base before then.   
  
“You have every right to be scared, and to panic.”

Jack turned to regard Optimus. He wasn’t crying again, but he was still sad. It weighed on his helm and shoulders, and for a moment, he was reminded of atlas. With the world on his back, weighing him down. 

“If I do, then you do too,” Jack reasoned. “Optimus, if what you said before... look, you've been living though countless timelines. You've been fighting the same war for countless years, and not once have I seen you show any sign of your pain. You bottled it up, so it was bound to burst at some point.”

Again, a comfortable silence came over them, broken again by Optimus. 

“I think it was my fault that you were included in this loop Jack.”

  
  
“Don’t—” he paused, processing what Optimus said. “How so?”

“My resets began when I was gifted with the matrix. I would always reset to the beginning, when I first received the matrix. It may be because you have and used the key that you had been included in this loop.”

“I.... That makes sense. You didn’t know it was going to cause this though.”

“But—”

“Optimus if you bring anything else up further back, it really is out of our hands. It’s arguably my fault for getting involved by lingering around a bike that wasn’t mine.” He paused thinking a moment and ignoring how Optimus was about to speak up, continuing, “Don’t blame yourself for the start of the war either. That was Megatron’s fault okay?”

Again, Optimus furrowed his brow. He disagreed, it wasn’t Megatron’s fault, but as much as his face conveyed a disagreement, it showed surrender as well. He sighed and shook his helm before he stood and strode a few paces away to transform. He drove up slowly beside Jack and opened his cab door. 

“Ratchet has been trying to contact me over the last hour. I think we’ll need to get back before we get in trouble.” 

Jack smiled, hopping into the cab once more. As he fastened his seat-belt on the passenger seat and leaned against the window, he asked, “hey Optimus, what were we like in the different timelines?”

Optimus chuckled softly and almost...sadly.

“You were just as kind as you are now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Xmas if you celebrate it! If you don't (like me) then, happy holidays! Let's hope that next year will be better than this one.


	4. Déjà Vu; Déjà Fait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Déjà vu is french for already seen. Déjà fait is french for already done. 
> 
> We've seen this before, we've done this before. 
> 
> The camera is just a little different, and some of the lines are askew. 
> 
> It is the same... right?

“Since you are… aware of the circumstances, I will have to ask you to be aware of what you do and your actions, as even talking to someone differently can have dire effects on future events.” 

Jack nodded in reply to nearly everything Optimus told him as he drove him back to base. He had left school early, at Optimus’ request. Using his knowledge of past events he was able to excuse himself from class and cleverly avoided having to go to work today. The request took him off guard and Jack took a moment to process his instructions.

As understanding dawned, he winced. “ _Every_ line? I don’t think I can remember...”

Optimus gave a hum, weather in concern, or in understanding, Jack couldn’t tell, considering that he couldn’t see his face. “Don’t worry. Don’t focus on saying the exact line, say what feels natural in the moment. Do you recall what happened today?”  
  


Jack’s brows knit in thought. Miko got in trouble for causing a ruckus today at school because someone took something from Raf and they refused to give it back. Last time Jack stayed to help but this time he did not, would that have further consequences? When he and the others arrived at base, Optimus and Ratchet were out, and Bulkhead had to try to man the ground bridge, but he had a bit of trouble. Raf pointed out, however, that the cons had opened their groundbridge and unless Optimus and Ratchet were going to be stuck in the shadow realm, then they had to get there on the ground. Bee offered to go, saying he was closest, and Miko pointed out that he was probably going already. Wait, didn’t Bee lose his T-Cog sometime today or tomorrow? Yeah, and didn’t he say something pretty inconsiderate to bee while he was unable to transform?

“Uh, I think Ratchet found a relic, then you two went out to get it, only to need backup, which Bee provides, and then somewhere along the way he loses his T-Cog.”

“Indeed you have most of it right. In some timelines before, it was Arcee, but I have since changed her patrol route.”

“Wait.” Jack raised his hands shaking his head as if it would shake all the jumbled pieces back into their place. “You’ve been to this scenario before? I thought this was the first time someone else was included in the loop?”

“It is. I have made it to Earth and back to Cybertron, without a tremor from Unicron. That being said, I have encountered some of the events that happened before despite Unicron’s absence.” If he was standing—if he could somehow see his face—Jack knew that Optimus would be staring off into the distance recalling some bitter memory that flickered through his optics. He didn’t know how he could tell. Perhaps it was the slight dip in his voice or the slow way he said “It is.” Unlike Arcee, Jack didn’t know all of Optimus’ vocal cues. 

“So Unicron was a wild card that had never happened before?”

“Perhaps— admittedly there were a lot of actions I performed differently before the event, but I did not think it would result in summoning Unicron.”  
  
“Maybe the different actions you did resulted in different actions from the cons and eventually Unicron.”   
  


“Perhaps” Optimus said with a hum of contemplation. “I did not see you very much the last time this happened so I cannot recall what you said. However, I advise you to try responding naturally. Without thinking of the timeline, what would you say? I find it is a helpful way to start. After that, you may work on memorizing important conversations for consistency.” 

Jack nodded in reply. He ran a hand down his face dragging his fingers in a way that tugged at his eyelids, then the corners of his mouth. This was stressful, and understandably so. It was a pressure Optimus did not want to place upon his shoulders, but after the initial shock, Jack took it in stride. Perhaps he should not be so surprised that Jack was handling the new information so well, seeing as he was able to do the same whenever he met the team. In fact, according to Arcee’s reports, Jack was willing and ready to simply clamp down his mouth and forget he ever saw Arcee. He took the trauma with a willingness that seemed disturbingly wrong in his own processor. Was this normal for other human youths? Miko and Raf were also incredibly willing to take in the arrival of an alien group. Miko in fact seemed to relish in it. Perhaps a bit too much. 

In the silence of Optimus’ thinking, Jack began to plot away at his own time. He tried to recall what Arcee and Miko said. What Raf and Ratchet said, and how he reacted to the beeps of Bumblebee that he could not understand. He could reply naturally, but he’d have to work at saying something he could remember well. Since he was now included in the loop, this was a new scenario, a new timeline. He would be fine if he accidentally said something new right? Minor lines were probably less effective on the timeline, right?

The two of them were drawn momentarily from the well of their thoughts as they rolled into the base. Optimus could feel Jack clutch at the fabric of his seat, trying to claw as much as he could into his hands. It turned his knuckles white—a sign of holding something incredibly tightly in humans—but resulted in a little less than a slight tickle in his processor. Regardless, he focused on the foreign sensation, trying to draw himself from his thoughts and back into reality. 

Ratchet stood alone in the base. With Bulkhead on curbside duty while Arcee and Bee were sent on patrol, Jack would have thought that he’d look at least a little relaxed compared to how he usually was. Instead, he looked far more stressed. His optics were quick to flick to Optimus and Jack watched in awe as the stress melted off his face. An act of suppressing it or relief he couldn’t really tell, as his face settled into its usual scowl when he left Optimus’ cab. He quirked an irritated brow at him as his optics flickered from Optimus to him, asking a question before he opened his mouth.   
  
Strangely, though, he didn’t voice his question. 

“Optimus, welcome back.” He nodded as Optimus transformed and strode up to Ratchet where he stood by the computer. The two of them began to discuss things— signals, Cybertronian decoding. 

Jack didn’t hear any of it last time and if he wanted to follow his “script” he shouldn’t listen. As Optimus had told him, he needs to rely on his natural reactions, he needs to—

“An Autobot relic?” Optimus asked. 

Jack spun around with wide eyes, but Optimus didn’t even spare him a glance. Ratchet however did. Before Jack could attempt to remedy his mistake, Ratchet was already speaking up.

“Yes,” he said optics on Jack as he answered what he assumed was his question. “It’s the same relics that Optimus had uncovered as Orion Pax.”  
  


“Oh… uh,” he trailed off.

How could he reply to that? How would he naturally reply to that? Should he be excited? No, that seemed too much like Miko. What was he like naturally? No—wait— there was something for this. Yes, humans had a special method to get away from moments like this, telling from the ways Arcee stood awkwardly around in moments like this it was something cybertronians didn’t have. This could be his ace card should any other... wait, how long had it been? Was he quiet for too long? Was he being awkward?

“Cool!” He managed bordering strangely between a cheery shout and a calm statement. He raised his hands, snapping his fingers on the way up before he pointed finger-guns at a very confused Ratchet. 

Having used his ace card, Jack scurried away to the couch, turned on the tv and unpacked his bags in an effort to look as busy as he could. There would be a pop quiz in science tomorrow, so he _could_ study for that. He opened up a few books, packed for these kinds of moments even before the whole timeline trauma. He did his best to appear studious, glancing up at the tv every so often just so it didn’t seem obvious that he was trying to tune them out. Despite his efforts, it was easy to eavesdrop in the conversation. 

“Indeed, it is strange that you had received a transmission. Regardless, it is important for us to examine all possible leads. Some of the relics from Iacon are very dangerous and in the decepticon hands they could be detrimental.”  
  
“But you are not going alone Optimus. It has still only been a few days since you’ve returned and passed out. I don’t want you pushing yourself so recklessly.” 

  
Jack shook his head. If he were only looking at the words he could easily imagine his own mother saying the exact sentence to him. No matter how much he may deny it, not matter how much he said Cybertronians had no concept of family, Ratchet was solidly a mother. You do not choose the title of team mom, the title chooses you. 

“Very well, Ratchet, we will go examine the [location specified by a tracker device mentioned in the episode].”

“We?” Ratchet sputtered. Thinking back on it, Ratchet did that often. “Optimus, there’s no one around to work the ground bridge. If we ground bridge there, we would only end up stuck, we can’t possibly drive back to base— the Decepticons will follow!”

  
Optimus turned to Jack, and like a child caught, he turned away pretending to not listen. “Jack can ground bridge us.” 

He turned back to them with wide horrified eyes. He didn’t do this last time! What was Optimus thinking?

Ratchet scoffed, “Optimus at least Raf knows how to handle a ground bridge but Jack?”

“No— I know how!” Jack replied. His heart froze in his chest as Ratchet raised a brow.

“Did Raf teach you?”

“Uh yeah, Jack sputtered glancing to Optimus with a silent plea for help. Optimus replied with a pride filled gaze, and although it was a nice reassurance it wasn’t saving him from Ratchet.

“Oh? I don’t recall seeing him tell you about it.”

“We talked about it at school.” 

“Do you even know which buttons to press then?”

“Yeah, he described them in detail.” 

“Detail?” He rolled his eyes. “I distinctly remember Raf complaining that descriptions would not be enough. Clearly he didn’t teach you enough.”

Finally it seemed Optimus understood his plea from earlier.

“Ratchet, we must have faith in Jack’s knowledge. By the time we obtain the relic, the children will be back at base anyways. That way, perhaps Bulkhead will be able to manage the ground bridge.”

Ratchet raised a digit wanting to argue against Optimus, but he sent a gentle smile and a firm pat on the shoulder and Ratchet wilted like a flower. He, however, did not go down as quietly. Ratchet sighed dragging it out for an extra few moments trying to convey the depth of his tiredness as he glared at Jack.

“Fine,” he grumbled, “but I want to see him open up the ground bridge.”

Jack scurried to the console in reply, stationing himself at the human computer setup by Fowler and upgraded by Raf. Normally, Raf used his own laptop to connect to the ground bridge, but he did show Jack how to use the other computers as well. The only issue was that technically, Raf hadn’t taught him that yet. He was going to in about a month. Was he really allowed to do this? It’s not like he had a choice though. Optimus and Ratchet needed to scope out the Decepticons and get the relic, bee needed to swoop in and save the day. If he didn’t do this…

Jack typed away at the familiar human keys, he glanced at the screen ratchet used, comparing the vague maps on his screen to the vague-er maps on the big screen. With a colourful whoosh, the ground bridge swirled to life. Ratchet strode over to the console, examining the coordinates Jack had put in. He raised a digit to point something out, but Jack decided to speak first.

“I opened the bridge a little ways away from the signal,” he glanced at Optimus who offered a faint smile, “just in case the relic is dangerous, or there are Decepticons nearby.” 

Ratchet arched a brow, as an immediate response, Jack felt his heart race. Did Ratchet suspect him? Did he do too good of a job? Did Raf not learn how to do this yet?

“I know that.” Ratchet rolled his optics. “I was _going_ to tell you Raf did a good job teaching you.”

If it were normal, if this was a situation where he was not getting away with lying he would have rolled his eyes at Ratchet’s clear affection for Raf. Now however he was battling the need to get out. To distance himself before he tested his luck too much. It’s what he did when he had to lie to his mom. There were no inconsistencies in his lies if he wasn’t there to make them.

Luckily for him Ratchet and Optimus took their leave through the bridge leaving Jack to lean back on his chair slumping down until his butt threatened to slip off the edge of the chair. How many secrets would he be forced into? First, fifty foot robots, now timelines?

“God, just kill me,” Jack groaned.

* * *

Although he often acted to change future events, there were still moments where everything seemed just like events that happened before. These moments were common in the first few moments after a reset, but after what happened with Jack, Optimus thought there would be bigger repercussions. Instead, the timeline moved smoothly and Optimus fell back into his practiced movements.

Hear Decepticons, call for backup, hide behind rock formation, Megatron flies overhead, battle ensues and Bee swoops in to make the saving grab. 

They’re currently heading towards the rock formation now. They heard the excavation sounds and Ratchet has a backup call at the ready. 

“Optimus, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” 

He freezes mid step, a shudder running down his plating before he wills himself to continue. Forces himself to take every measured step just as he did before. Even if _this_ has not happened before. Should he ask him to save it for later? No, if he tried to brush it off too cruelly, Ratchet might just pick it up. 

“What is it old friend?” He knows what he’s going to ask. He was bound to at some point, he must have been hoping to ask as soon as he got into the base. 

“When you went off with Jack—” 

Overhead, Megatron flies past them transforming and landing within the excavation site. For the first time in a long time, Optimus is relieved that he would have to be dragged away to fight off Megatron. 

“ _Megatron_?” Ratchet asks, irritation laced in his fear. 

“It seems you’ve detected the ancient Autobot frequency precisely because it was unearthed.” 

  
Ratchet brushes off his presence, turning to him instead. He can see the questions in his blue-green optics crackling with lightning like urgency. Even if his attitude is different, even if his intentions have changed, he still says the same thing, “Well, our backup shouldn’t be far behind.”

“Without knowing what the Decepticons have exhumed, I do not think I am willing to wait.” 

Optimus stands and readies his blaster. As if left on autopilot, Optimus allows his frame to follow his script while his mind wanders elsewhere. Megatron thanks him for leading him to the relic, Megatron makes a quip about keeping on the Decepticon insignia. Megatron leaves, they fight. Vehicons approach from behind, Optimus readjusts to shoot at them. Bumblebee arrives, he swoops in and steals the relic directly from Megatron’s servos. It all happens, almost distantly from him, as his mind hones in on other things. 

Luck is not something Optimus can bring himself to believe. Not anymore. Every event happens because of a choice, and with hard work and effort every event can be changed, and every event can be preserved. 

Except now, there were events out of his control. Jack’s actions would deviate from the original. Things could change drastically. What they did now would dictate the fate of Bumblebee.

Would he be okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels a little... lacking? I dunno. I've got a lot of homework so updates may be slower than they were before, sorry about that. I'm putting up some clearer updates on tumblr but for now I hope that you'll be patient with me. 
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading. Next chapter will hopefully be more interesting. 😊

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr as [Paperstarwriters](https://paperstarwriters.tumblr.com/) for updates and other writing works


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